I’ve fought everyone I could, I’ve gotten approval for our case to be expedited medically and we are still stuck waiting.
I feel as though I live in some parallel universe where time stands simultaneously still and moves at the speed of light.
And do you know what things seem hardest right now? The changing table in the corner of Elijah’s room that sits in a box waiting for one of us to put it together, the Christmas plans that have been made around our son’s arrival and all the things we’ve said “no” to in anticipation of the fact that he would be here by now that we could now do but don’t really want to anymore.
But the hardest part of all right now? Brace yourself, this may be insane: but the hardest part is trying to figure out whether or not to get the girls’ Christmas pictures done. To get them done feels like accepting defeat. It feels like giving up on my dream of having our son home, for now the 2nd Christmas. It means going to the closet and removing the dresses but leaving the sweater to hang alone.
And maybe that is really my greatest struggle right now. I feel as though we’ve left our son alone for so long and it is breaking my heart.
I don’t want to punish the girls but I certainly am not feeling as festive and hopeful as I was two short weeks ago.
But still, I hold to the hope that a tiny baby in a manger came down to the World and left it completely changed in ways even his closest friends didn’t understand in that moment. He still has the unique ability and power to change my world and circumstances even as I type this.
Monumental moments rarely feel monumental during the journey. So I’m just going to “keep swimming” and moving forward. Trusting in God ends up looking a lot like many small decisions to let things go into His hands. And I have to be ok with that.
And as for today… Today I will leave the dresses and sweater to hang together and hold onto hope for one more day.