My regret

I’m often asked if I have any regrets where Elijah is concerned or what my biggest regret is. Let me tell you that it’s probably not really what you would think.

I try not to live in the land of “what ifs” so getting him earlier and having him longer are places that I try not to dwell or I will make myself absolutely mad. Don’t get me wrong,  I unequivocally loathe the fact that he is not still here to be a part of our lives,  but I can not afford to live in that place.

My biggest regret is allowing myself to have been lulled into a false sense of having more time. I did not live with the knowledge that each day was as much of a gift as it was. I didn’t savor each moment like I should have. I didn’t belly laugh with him as much as I could have.

I got so busy with life that I forgot to live. I didn’t breathe the moments in like life really warrants.

The legacy that Elijah has left for me is a legacy of right now. His life is a painfully beautiful realization that tomorrow is not promised and I need to learn how to really live today.

I am grateful that my daughters, my husband and our future children will have a better version of me. Thankful that I’ve learned to focus on relationships rather than schedules and have made a promise with myself that people will be first.

Last week I cried as I played “doc mcstuffins” with T because, in that moment I knew I’ve so often missed the mark with my kids beforehand. I’ve so often chosen sweeping the floors for a 2nd or 3rd time instead of dancing to a made up song or coloring a Princess in a book.

I’m thankful for the opportunities we are given to start over. Thankful for a God who specializes in redos and immensely grateful for all of the lessons my teeny warrior taught me in his time in our hearts and home.

So tell me, what lessons have you/are you learning?


2 thoughts on “My regret

  1. Whew! Isn’t this all the truth! I don’t stop to truly LIVE often enough! My older boys don’t want Momma’s tight hugs and kisses anymore, but they sure do like to lay their heads in my lap for me to scratch it…but I don’t make my lap available often enough.
    My youngest daughter LOVES for me to watch her during gymnastics, but I’ve let the excuse of there being no where to sit in the gymnasium rob me of experiencing her gracefulness as she lands her vault.
    My youngest son says, “Momma look” way too often when he’s showing me a simple 3 minute video!
    Okay…enough. Time to LIVE!

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